I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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