Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
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It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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