if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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