Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
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you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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