i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
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He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
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Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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