sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
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I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
That accounts for only three of the penises
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
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I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
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