I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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