I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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