she was so not down for the gang bang
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
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my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
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It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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