My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
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You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
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I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize