I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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