I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
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All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
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Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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