So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize