Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
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so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
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