I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
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i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
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I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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