we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
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There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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