He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
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Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
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the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
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