apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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