she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
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This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
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i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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