dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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