I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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