Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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