His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
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I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
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I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
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