You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
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then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
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He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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