Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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