If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
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