Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
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At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
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Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
that may or may not have been my penis.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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