I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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