My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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