Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
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Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
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I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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