In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
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