hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
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I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
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Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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