im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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