Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
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My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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