I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i think i have herpe
just one?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
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Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
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I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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