having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
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I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
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GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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