what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize