He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
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I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
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You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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