2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
that's an acceptable place to lick
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
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I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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