If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
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Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
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Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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