I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
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I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
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Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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