Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
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Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
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I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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