There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
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Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
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My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
You ruined the universe
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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