Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
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It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
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The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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