we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I look better un-naked...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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