if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
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She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
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I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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