i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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