Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I love you.
Bad choice
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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