I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
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He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
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My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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