I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
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I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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